We pick up this week’s episode where we left off, with Nick telling the women on the group date about Liz. In case you were unaware, he met Liz at Jade and Tanner’s wedding, they had sex, he asked for her number and she was like “hell no,” then it was announced he would be The Bachelor and she was all heart eyes emoji.
We go to the house and the group date girls are filling in the rest of the girls about the whole story but nobody cares because this is the Nick that they were expecting. Nick arrives wearing a gaudy floral tie and tells the story again, and hopefully for the last time ever.
It’s cocktail hour time, and Corinne is pissed that someone (actually, at least 15 people) had sex with Nick before her. She decides that now is the perfect time to pull out her Forever 21 polyester trench coat that she was saving for Week 6. But, time is precious.
In the meantime, Nick is talking to Danielle L., stroking her hand and telling her that she’s someone he’s “intrigued in.” She’s such a Jen.
Corinne steals Nick away and for what is maybe one of the cringiest moments on tonight’s episode, she puts whipped cream (from the can no less) on her boob and has Nick lick it off. Still in the trench coat, btw. Did she get this idea from Cosmo magazine? Soon she’s going to be stroking his perineum. She then fills his mouth with the whipped cream and he attempts to continue talking, which makes me realize that his voice actually constantly sounds like his mouth is full of whipped cream.
Nick on Corinne: “She’s good at stimulating chemistry with me.” Nick, is that the only thing she’s stimulating?
Jasmine, wearing a dress that looks like a basketball, interrupts Corinne and Nick as Nick tries to explain to her that her actions are going to annoy the other women in the house. Corinne leaves in a huff and begins crying because the whole encounter “degraded” from her relationship with him. Nah, it just degraded yourself.
Corinne, coming down from her sugar high, is exhausted by her sheer villainry and takes a nap during the rose ceremony, clutching her rose so hard that I wouldn’t be surprised if her fingers are bloody from the pricks. Nick sends home two blondies that I could never tell apart (Lacey and Elizabeth) and Hailey, who arguably had her boobs out more than Corinne, who actually took her left breast out.
The next morning, even Chris Harrison cannot contain his excitement for the group date. The card reads “Everybody” then the Backstreet Boys walk into the Bachelor Mansion and the girls, as well as all of America, freak out.
Danielle L., Christen, Kristina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine and Corinne get to learn some “planned dancing” and accompany the Backstreet Boys on stage. Whoever has the “most chemistry” with Nick will be privately serenaded on stage. This “most chemistry” thing is quickly becoming the go-to arbitrary measure for choosing a date winner. Seriously, how is this computed? Perhaps Kevin Richardson, the Backstreet-Boy-turned-Professor-of-Potions-Severus-Snape, will judge.
Corinne freaks out about performing. She tells us she has really bad short term memory, which maybe explains why she interrupted Nick three times last week? She also tells us she’s a bad dancer, which is maybe why she isn’t a stripper (yet).
Finally, it is show time! The girls are wearing weird red outfits with black booty shorts that look like when your friend was trying to be Slutty Minnie Mouse on a budget sophomore year in college.
Danielle L. is picked as the winner! Her Thriller moves elicited a palpable exothermic chemical reaction out of Nick, obvi.
Danielle L: “It was so romantic to make out with my boyfriend Nick in front of 6 of his other girlfriends”
Now we are onto the evening portion of the group date. Corinne grabs Nick first because she is Corinne. Her dress has a huge slit that her crotch is basically falling out of. Corinne’s fashion choices this season are largely summed up as “Body Parts Easily Accessible”.
Corinne: “I don’t think the girls were upset that I missed the rose ceremony”
Girls: “Corinne was so rude and disrespectful for missing the rose ceremony.” Like seriously Corinne, who do you think you are? Caesar?
The camera then shows that Corinne goes off to take a nap somewhere. Corinne’s napping is the equivalent of Chad’s meat-eating.
After her little nap, Corinne rejoins the girls and talks about many topics including her desire for a “tiny boob job,” which Jasmine also apparently wants and how much she misses her Nanny, Raquel.
Corinne on Raquel: “She makes sure my bed is made, she makes my lemon salad, my cheese pasta…” Corinne notes that doing these things is what brings Raquel joy in life.
The group date rose goes to Danielle L.
The Life Rose goes to Raquel for being a saint.
The next day is Vanessa’s one on one with Nick! They go to the Zero G plane which looks seriously awesome. They make out as they bounce weightless in the air. Vanessa’s hair looks like an Herbal Essences commercial. She vomits or at least dry heaves, but Nick is sweet about it and kisses her after. You know you’re into a girl when you want to kiss her post-puke.
Afterwards they go to dinner and Vanessa shares with Nick how her grandfather died three weeks before the show, and Nick shares with her how he feels like he can’t trust his own emotions. Nick tears up and legitimately cries in her presence- presumably because he can’t believe she is actually interested in him and TBH neither can we.
The next group date is with Rachel, Alexis, Astrid, Jami, Sarah, Brittany and Dominique. They meet Nick at the track where they are joined by 3 Olympians, none of whom I know because my Olympics is the Real Housewives of New York reunion. They do what is cutely called the “Nick-Athalon” which surprisingly is NOT an all-day fuck session followed by speech therapy jaw exercises. There are some campy “love” events and the top 3 are Rachel, Alexis & Astrid. These three have to race to grab a Neil Lane huge plastic “engagement ring” and bring it to the hot tub where Nick is already soaking.
Rachel reaches the engagement ring first, but knocks it over and smashes it, in a slow motion segment that is eerily metaphoric of Nick’s proposal to Kaitlyn. Astrid picks up the biggest pieces and races over to Nick and gets into the hot tub before you could say “Are those real?” They then proceed to make out as the other girls look on. Dominique, who we have literally never seen before this episode freaks out because Nick isn’t being fair to her (???)
At the evening portion of this date, Dominique has a panic attack and Alexis and Nick make out on a giant picture of a shirtless Nick. Jami brings up her prior relationship with a woman again, which is promptly condensed and ignored by ABC. Dominique confronts Nick about her disappointment that he didn’t realize she wasn’t being herself. Girl, he doesn’t know who you are yet, so how would he know that you aren’t being yourself? Anyway, Nick gives her the Liz treatment and sends her out through the back door mid-date. Rachel gets the group rose.
The next day Saint Harrison comes to the Bachelor Mansion with news that instead of having a cocktail party they will have a pool party! Nick arrives and the girls are all throwing themselves at him. Raven rubs a copious amount of sunblock on his abs, Jasmine eats his neck in front of the other girls but continues to chastise Corinne for her overt sexuality. Corinne lures Nick to a bouncy castle and they dry hump as the other girls look on with disgust and wait for Chris Harrison to show up and discipline Nick for trying to bang a child. Seriously, between the bouncy house, the nap schedule, and the cheese pasta, the nanny starts to make more sense given that Corinne is actually a toddler.
Raven informs Nick of his encroaching pedophilia- “She has a nanny. She doesn’t even know how to wash a spoon.”
For someone who was born with a silver spoon in her mouth, you would think Corinne would have figured out how to wash it by now.
Vanessa confronts Nick and says she’s not judging Corinne; she’s judging Nick for how he responds to her actions. Vanessa is giving Nick the Andi/Juan Pablo treatment and this DEF turns him on, he for sure loves a Strong, Outspoken Woman. The episode ends with Vanessa asking Nick: “are you looking for a wife? Or someone to f*ck around with?”
A very good question Vanessa and we cannot wait to see what happens next week!
xoxo, Rachel Gold and Jess Byrnes