The connection between football and The Bachelor is hardly a novel one. We all know that both franchises boast fantasy leagues, tight pants, and grown men crying. However, over the past two days, the parallel universes of Chris Harrison and Chris Hogan collided for two of the most ~*sHoCkiNg*~ nights of television back to back. Right after we watched Tom Brady win his fifth ring, we watched Nick lament that maybe the fourth time he tries to get someone to accept his ring on national television might not pan out for him. Taylor Goodell stood by as Corinne received the MVP trophy 2-on-1 rose while she slowly died on the inside, screaming “LIAR” with her last breath. And just when you thought you had seen the biggest choke of all time from the Atlanta Falcons, we stared in horror as Jasmine mimes strangling motions at Nick’s neck and says she would like to put him in “The Chokey”.
The episode picks up with Taylor clawing her way out of the Bayou like a swamp monster to crash Corinne and Nick’s dinner date. She has two things she wants to get off her chest: 1. Corinne is a liar and 2. Corinne is not telling the truth. Still not quite sure what Corinne has lied about, but Nick basically tells her “Look, did you really think you were winning this anyway?” and sends her home. The girls gasp as Taylor’s luggage is taken away. Josephine says “Corinne’s coming back!” with the excitement of a child who just found out Daddy is coming back home after a six month “business trip”.
Finally, we get a rose ceremony! Chris Harrison says there won’t be a cocktail party, but this does not stop Corinne from swigging champagne. Jaimi must still have frostbite from last week’s frigid barn encounter because that is the only explanation for why her lips are that purple. Jaimi, Josephine, and Alexis go home. Let’s all pour one out for Alexis who was the only light in this show. Until we meet again in Paradise. Or at least at The Jersey Shore this summer.
Nick informs the girls that they are headed to St. Thomas, which, like every other destination that has been mentioned on this franchise is “the perfect place to fall in love”. It definitely beats Chris Soules’ farm town for sure. Kristina gets the first one-on-one date as Jasmine can be seen malfunctioning in the background.
Nick: “I haven’t really gotten a chance to know Kristina yet, so I’m gonna take her on a bathing suit date and make out in the ocean.”
Nick and Kristina bond over having a lot of siblings, except Nick has so many because his mom doesn’t believe in birth control and Kristina has so many because she fled an orphanage from a desolate country and was adopted. Kristina opens up about this traumatic past and she is truly inspiring. She was kicked out at a young age because her mother told her not to eat and she got so hungry that she ate lipstick. When her mother found out, she got mad and kicked her out. Kristina was in a Russian orphanage until age 12 when someone told her “If you stay in Russia, your life will be in black and white. If you move to America, your life will be in color”. I nearly shed a tear at the profoundness and relevance of this statement. Nick finds a way to quickly trivialize the impact of her statement with a “You bring color to my life! Lol will you accept this rose? It’s red!”
Back at the hotel, we meet Lorna, the Caribbean version of Raquel. She brings Corinne some drinks and food by the pool. I can’t even comment more on this because it was so stupid, however, just know that Corinne actually outsmarted the producers at their own game. Sure, she continues to look ridiculous on television, but in the end she still has someone waiting on her hand and foot.
The next day most of the names are read for a group date on the beach, except for Danielle and Whitney (???) The girls deduce that it must be another 2-on-1 and nobody knows why. Also nobody knows why Whitney is still even here. Do you even go here Whitney? The date begins just swimmingly with some innocent games of cornhole and tequila shots. Then, for matters not apparent, all hell breaks loose. The girls are playing volleyball and everyone starts crying. This is worse than the time Greg Focker spikes the ball at the pregnant sister in Meet The Parents and gives her a nose bleed. Again, I must emphasize, NOBODY EVEN KNOWS WHY THEY ARE CRYING. Was there a shark sighting? Did somebody get Zika???
Um, whatever, moving on to the cocktail hour I guess. Rachel tells Nick she’s out of her element which is pretty much assumed for someone who goes from working as many billable hours as possible in civil litigation to being transplanted into a Mormon sorority house. Other side conversations happen, but everything here is really background to the inevitable crash and burn of Jasmine. When she finally gets her alone time with Nick, she uses it to berate him about how he doesn’t notice or care enough about her. She goes into vivid descriptions of how it makes her want to choke him. She must think Nick is finding this funny because she just. Keeps. Going. He sends her home and begins drafting a restraining order with a producer. Raven apparently gets the group date rose we are told the next day by Rachel.
It is now time for the two-on-one we’ve all been waiting for. The tension between Whitney and Danielle L is finally coming to a head. Two of this shows most polarizing candidates- wait, oh yeah, nobody has any idea why this happening. They all hop on a helicopter and wait for any explanation as to why they are here. Whitney and Nick take some time to talk about how pretty Whitney is, and we watch Nick creepily stroke her leg. Danielle and Nick reminisce about the Backstreet Boys and Danielle says she can’t wait for Nick to meet her parents. I guess these are the magic words (for now) and Nick dumps Whitney. Danielle L gets the rose and Whitney is left on an island. Oh well, at least her romper is cute. Whitney’s suitcase is removed from the room and the girls say something about how D-Lo (that’s a thing now) is fake.
During the night portion, Nick makes an attempt to get to know who “the real” Danielle is, beneath all the “likes” and “hehes”. Note to Nick: she’s about as real as her boobs and as deep as the saline puddle they would make if they burst. Nick asked her what two words she would use to describe her ideal relationship and she said love (ok, duh) and trust. He says “adventurous” and “raw”. Two things that seem very un-Danielle, unless you count her eating sushi as adventurous and raw. She senses the distance in his eyes and pulls out a last ditch effort to say she’s falling in love with him, which is met with silence. He says he wanted it to be her, but that it’s just not. That’s a sentence that doesn’t seem to really mean anything. Basically- he thought she was hot but turns out there is not much else. He sends her home and wonders if he has made a mistake.
When he gets back to the hotel, he walks into the girls’ room and tells them that he sent Danielle home and he’s not sure what he’s doing anymore. He wants the process to work, but turns out once he goes on more than one date with someone they have nothing much else to say other than to reflect on their previous date. He cries, confirming that his cycle is now synced with the rest of the house. We end on another “To Be Continued” but after this week’s mass exodus of three girls, I doubt there will be a rose ceremony anyway.
xoxo, Racehl Gold & Jess Byrnes
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