Finally!!! The long-awaited Bachelorette returns! Rachel Lindsay looks gorgeous and she has a dog. Her dog is so fluffy and cute and it has a broken leg and now I’m crying. What happened to his leg? Will the dog be going on any dates?
Kenny is the first contender we meet- he is a father and a wrestler which will undoubtedly lead to copious amounts of lame puns. I’ll wrestle my way to Rachel’s heart! Or maybe I already have ringworm, now I just need a ring!
Onto the weirdos of the season. Blake E. wears ripped jeans and can’t stop talking about how big his penis is (doubtful) and how good he is at sex. Perhaps it is his sex addiction that has halted his drumming career, capping him at “aspiring” drummer. Note to Blake E., if you have to say it five times than it is not true.
The other freak is Lucas who keeps shouting “WHABOOM!” like it is a thing. Which, apparently, it is a thing. A thing that he trademarked and is now selling shirts online for. I suddenly miss #TeamCorn.
Now that we’ve been WHABOOM’d, it’s time to watch Josiah stare longingly at a childhood photo of his brother and then relive cutting him down from a tree after his suicide while producer’s onlook. I am crying. I don’t know what just happened to my brainwaves. Josiah was enough to distract me from Whaboom and I remember there is actually a chance for the people in this show to find meaningful relationships.
Speaking of meaningful relationships, we step into the mansion where Rachel’s besties from her season have been brought back to give her advice. This is interesting, as usually ABC brings in failed Bachelor Chris Soules to give crappy relationship advice. Now we’re just taking notes from people who didn’t even win. This includes Raven, Jasmine, Corinne, Alexis and those two interchangeable brunettes who I will just call Whitney 1 and Whitney 2. Corinne looks like she just woke up from a nap but she doesn’t make the entire scenario about her so I guess she’s grown up a bit.
They give some great advice:
Alexis: “Don’t judge anyone who comes in a costume” Was that guy a penguin or a puffin, anyway?
One of the Whitney’s in a final bid to be on Bachelor in Paradise tells her she knows someone who knows someone who knows DeMario and he is *GASP* “not here for the right reasons…” Umm neither are you Whitney 1. Rachel decides that she will evaluate for herself. Good for her.
We arrive at the mansion and Rachel looks seriously beautiful. Chris Harrison gives her a two second pep talk and we are off, the first limo has arrived!
Peter is the first one out of the limo and he has a fire blazer and an adorable tooth gap. Later in the night he tries to offer her Wisconsin chocolate because “everybody likes chocolate” *wink wink* except apparently Rachel doesn’t so he says “I will literally throw this in the fire.” It’s cute how much he wants to impress her- I like Peter.
We have a new trend of people from the Bachelor/ette’s past coming on the show- Jade and Tanner’s wedding, anyone? Fred comes out of the limo with his 3rd grade yearbook, where he shows an 8th grade picture of Rachel. Rachel remembers him and says he was a bad kid. She disciplinarily refers to him as Frederick for the remainder of the night.
Jonathan “Tickle Monster” aptly tickles her. I would have clawed him. Seriously. He asks her to close her eyes and put her arms out, and commits the biggest breach of trust one could imagine in that situation.
Adam enters with a creepy ass puppet he calls Adam Jr. Adam Jr is from Lyon, France and is def a lot more cultured than Adam Sr.
Lucas the Whaboom guy comes in with a Whaboom shirt and narrates his entrance with a megaphone. I’m having an aneurysm. Lucas needs sooooo much more Ritalin than whatever his current dose is.
The limos have been emptied and Rachel enters the house. Right away Josiah pulls her aside and tells her his story about being arrested and now working for the same prosecutor that helped give him a second chance.
Dean steals Rachel away to ask if she likes the beach because that’s “literally why I moved to LA.” We went from discussing formative life experiences and career choice to building sand castles. Dean is a small child.
The guys are also creeped out by Adam Jr; the producers however are loving it and are trying to one-up each other on where they can position him.
We have a kiss! Colombian Bryan tells Rachel he is 37 and good with his hands and girl is SOLD. He attacks her face with the fervor of Josh Murray and a slice of pizza. Side note- he vaguely resembles Josh Murray *shudder*.
Ugh it’s 10:19 and Lucas just whaboomed himself onto the floor. Blake E. is personally offended at all the whabooming and has taken it upon himself to be the Right Reasons Sentinel. Ah, our token dude who is more obsessed with calling out other dudes than he is with the girl.
Lucas, megaphone in hand, attempts to get some time with Rachel and show her the man (child) behind the Whaboom. He called her Rach, and as a fellow Rachel, I can say that is a bold move.
The first impression rose goes to Bryan, and more face eating ensues.
Rose ceremony elimination time. The producers promise Rachel breakfast in bed as long as she keeps Lucas, so she complies though it pains her so much to say his name that her mouth actually contorts in a Whaboom-like fashion.
This season looks great and we can’t wait to experience this amazing journey with you all! Comment below for who you support!
xoxo, Rachel Gold and Jess Byrnes